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| Padding around the Sanitary Issue
So you know there’s this phone call I received from an ex-fling in Seremban to ask me if I want to buy sanitary pads from him.
Eh?
I said, no thanks, on the account that he *IS* in Seremban and I can’t be pretty much arsed to spend RM50 (toll + petrol – but ack, petrol might be more eh?) to buy something that’ll cost me less than RM10.
But no, no, he said. These sanitary pads are not like the ones you buy at pharmacies (or kedai runcit Mak Jah).
They have herbs inside apparently and it’ll help erm, well clear up for lack of better words, the nasty bits in erm, your bits. The herbs, fodder of all magical powers for the world yonder can suck out “germs and bacteria”*colonising (they SAID colonising) in our pee-pee – hence leaving our ahem, “crown”** itchy-free and not smelly like a fish section at Pasar Borong Selayang.
I Googled and found out that these pads are indeed, very, very special.
So apparently them wonder-Pads will cure you of these:
Period pain, thrush, yellow discharge, white ones, exert “wind” from erm within, stabilised period cycle, itchiness, joint pains during menses, infection to the womb and pee-hole, eliminate smell, gets rids of blood clots in uterus.
Actually there’s a lot more than this, but I seriously cannot be arsed to translate each of them and typing it here.
But seriously, herbs inside your pads? And them sucking (the toxins) from your insides? Doesn’t that seem scary? It’s also quite minty apparently, so you’ll feel as if you have a personal air-conditioner down there to, ahm, keep it fresh?
Apparently, he continued, it very good because with only RM20, you won’t even need a feminine wash anymore!
And you can even wear it on your head to get rid of the pong when you wear helmets (maybe the Company can buy this in bulk to help out with our mat despatch?) Wear it (it didn’t suggest where though) on a long journey and l0 and behold! You won’t get car sick! Put it in your shoe and WUNDERBAR! Your feet will no longer stink like it’s been in an un-cleaned IWK tank for the past week. Put it on your nose and you’ll get ride of that annoying stuffy nose! And it can even cure your womb and breasts cancers!
Oh My God, this isn’t a Wonder Pad! This is a Miracle Product!
This forum also gave testimony from women who had used it. Due to being pressed for time, I could only gleaned through it quickly but someone claimed that she is now pregnant! (And to think that I thought we need a man for me to go there –now I can just rely on a sanitary pad! What was *I* thinking, man??)
So yeah, apparently, a lot of people bought it and have started to wear it. They all agree that it is working very, very well for them because they are farting a lot nowadays (to extract winds remember?) All that farts carrying bad toxins and such like.
Guys can also wear it – to help out with their haemorrhoid problems – but that would be weird would it?
Anyway, looking at its potential (it even won some award at some foreign country), I think we have just managed to solve a lot of the country’s problems:
* Shortage of Doctors – most ailments can be cured by just slapping the Miracle Pad onto the desired ailing body parts; little or no supervision by doctors for this I’m sure.
*Shortage of hospitals – we can convert all new hospitals (especially the one in JB with the fungi) to other things: Museums (Hospital and First Aid Museums?), Hotels? Shopping Mall? Oh, the possibilities are endless, man!
*Ailing Geriatrics – they wouldn’t need expensive specialists to help them with their hip, knee and back problems. Just use the miracle Pads!
*Economy – higher purchasing power. Consumers, having managed to save other costs such as high medical bills, will channel money elsewhere. To petrol perhaps. And shopping malls (no more joint pain whilst walking from one end of Mid Valley to the other).
*A generally happier, well-balanced, FRAGRANT society.
I think there’s potential in this. Perhaps I should get Babe to bring it up to her boss for the next Cabinet meeting?
This leads to another story retold by a dear friend:
He was a wee boy and was asked, along with his cousin, by his auntie (or was it his neighbour?) to buy her a box of Sanita***. So off they went to the nearest kedai runcit, and being young and not knowing any better, shouted on top of their lungs their intended purchase.
The grocer wrapped the box discreetly (but in that size? Who couldn’t guess it?) with newspaper and off they went jauntily back to their house.
Except that it was a super hot day and they thought that hey maybe we need something to cool us down.
So they tore open the box. They fished two sanitary pads from the box – one for each of them.
You must remember that this was in the 1970’s where the pads are not winged and definitely do not have the adhesive strips at the back of it. All it had were two cotton rings at the end to latch it to a belt.
EUREKA!
My friend and his cousin, being geniuses that they are, managed to find a smart way to cool themselves down.
One hooked the rings to his ears and wear it on the forehead and the other put it on his mouth – like a surgeon or dentist.
They walked around their kampong like that until their auntie/neighbour spotted them and screamed at them to get back in the house RIGHT THIS INSTANT.
* this was what I gathered from a public forum.
** Ibid
*** THE sanitary pad of the 70’s apparently.
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If ever, anyone has come forth to ask myself what the criteria that I look for in search of that elusive Mr. Right, I would very likely to say that I go for sense of humour and someone who worships the grounds that I walk on. I said it in jest, but over the years, I am beginning to want a Mr Right (or even, Mr. Not-So-Right-But-OK-lor) that worships the grounds that I waddle on.
Please, allow me to explain before you take make that ugly face to me (and you so know that if the wind changes your face will be stuck like that forever don’t you?)
I do not want a man with no backbone. I do not fancy a man who goes all blubbery and void of any mental capacity when I speak to him. I do want a man with personality. I do not wish for a Yes-ma’am man who is incapable of arranging his train of thoughts let alone verbalising his views however far removed from mine.
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She’ll hear me out
And won’t easily be converted*
I know I can’t ask for much, because you see, I am no Goddess myself. I do not light a room with my presence – I think I’d block it because of my bulk, y’know? I do not have a lilting laugh that reminds you of a happy, sunny summertime. (Her hair reminds me of a warm, safe place, where, as a child I'd hide*...)I do not have the poise and sophistication of Audrey Hepburn nor the demure personality and sweet smile *gag* of Siti Nurhaliza. I do not possess the sharp wit and intelligence that will leave men ogling at awe around me, wanting, craving to converse with me. I do not have the beauty and grace of Jackie Onnasis, where men lust after and women envy over.
I can only offer my self-deprecating humour. And uh, I’d thrown in a mean pasta dish too. But that’s not very much is it? I have a thick skin – one that allows me to shame myself on periodic moments doing absolutely ridiculous stunts like singing in public and wearing sheets in shopping malls, but that’s not a lovable trait to have for a girlfriend, no?
I want a man to worship the grounds I dodder on because you see; I am tired being the Second Choice. In all my relationships, I am forever, a Second Choice. You know what Second Choices are don't you? That you’re wonderful, you’re adorable, OMG you cook mean pasta but that other girl is the one I want?
I mean you’re supposedly perfect, but still-not-good-enough?
(And if I ever have low self-esteem, it wouldn’t be because I’m fat, it’ll be this).
A past love, sung (badly) a song he composed to me on my birthday, whispered sweet nothings, wrote me love letters (it was the days of emails and Internet chats already). And just because we went into a stumbling block, namely, my religion, he went to see another woman. He regretted it, sure, but the damage has been done. He is now married to a woman he met at a train station. I think it is the same woman.
Another confessed that he had fallen for a girl, thinking that I would be kindly and sweetly accept him to my bosom and comfort him. What the…? That girl was seriously pursuing another, so she has gracefully rejected his proposals.
So what if she had said yes to you, I asked him.
He said he would choose me instead (then why bloody bother asking her at the first place?). He was quick to burst my bubbles. He said, earnestly, that she is pretty, hence, would have no problems finding a boyfriend. It is unspoken that was louder – that I am not pretty enough.
Fair enough. We broke up a year after that. Four years thereafter, he said he was still in love with me. Suffice to say, I have moved on, but not necessarily to better and greater things.
The next one married my best friend. When asked to choose, he said, in a bid to be diplomatic, that if he had chosen her, he would lose a great person. But if he had chosen me, he would lose the next best thing that happened to him.
I am a great person but not great enough to be the next best thing, let alone THE best thing, that happened to him.
The last one I found was two-timing me with his best friend (something wrong with my Karma methinks). So, feeling bold, I asked, what is it about her that I am not good enough for you?
I should just have shut my trap. Unflinchingly, he replied that she is not (and I remember this still) only “physically better looking, but she listens to me and she’s very caring”.
For many, many months, I was thinking, OK, I lost out to some 18 year old SYT who probably wears a size 2 and have 34C boobies. I found out later how she looked like. I told my mom that “dia nipis satu inchi je dari Leen, Ma”. A friend later commented that she looked like a 45-year old makcik.
Well no matter, the 29 year old dude is getting hitched to the 45-year old makcik already. Oh well.
So you see? Is it too much to ask? If I want a man who laughs at my joke and actually, actually listen to my drivel about daily life?
For once, I want to have someone who is proud to walk along side with me, whose love brims over that he needs to share with the world how awesome I am. (A stroke on the ego is never bad, I say).
For once, I do not wish to be hidden from the public, for one I want to be introduced to all his friends, and not the smattering few (two).
For once, I want him to know, rather my friends about my daily going-ons - about the time when I had to change a flat tyre at 6am, the time when I had to move the mattresses alone, the time where I had to stay at the office late at night for many days to complete a report, the time when my boss tiu-ed me.
So is it so bad that I ask for someone who thinks I’m a Goddess even if I am a mere eyesore of a hag?
Credit: Depeche Mode's "Somebody" and G 'n' R's "Sweet Child o Mine". | | |
| Do you know, if I had attempted to just bend over a bit, you’d probably see “SUCKER!” branded on my arse. Because I am. I suck. Eggs. Big Time. I have, as the saying go, been royally screwed big time. And not in the hot, pleasurable and sexy way either.
My parents have finally agreed to stay with me and because of that I had to move out from the bachelorette loft that I was staying in where we have wild parties and orgies every other weekend.
Syeah.
Anyway, so began my quest to find the perfect liveable house for my parents – you have to understand, they have about 30 years of junks and rubbish with them. Can you imagine how much space is needed? Also, according to my Mom, my non-human sibling, Mohd. Jose Morientes Abdullah, needs space and grounds for him to chase dried leaves and dead insects.
Out of sheer laziness and time restrictions, I decided to follow a colleague, N, and her fiancé to meet this real estate agent. They were looking for a house to live in by May and well, it beats driving around looking for a “To Let” sign.
She hooked up with this guy, Abdullah (no WAY related to Jose), who had an impressive list of houses around the Puncak Jalil area.
Side note: Why Puncak Jalil you ask? It is the only new development which is cheap (Condition No. 1), near to my office (Condition No. 2) – so near that I can get to the office by 15 minutes* tops without having to pay toll (Condition No. 3). There are abundance of houses in that area of which rent starts from RM450. And it’s not as if I will be permanently based there (I hope).
So yeah, we met with Abdullah, who showed us a couple of houses and I thought I quite fancy the house he showed in Phase 6A. Rental was cheap – RM450, it is a basic house, no kitchen cabinets, no hot shower thingy and definitely no Jacuzzi in the master bedroom (Oh darn!).
Well it suited me just fine. Because I had some money then (twas the bonus'), I decided to pay him ALL deposits (2 + 1.5 rental plus utilities deposit and legal/agreement fees of RM300).
That man took my N70 allocation away *sniff*.
I felt good because I know I have already secured a house I thought was great. My mom has been nagging me for YONKS to find a house and I did!
Initially, I told him I wanted to move in by 15th January, but then my parents had problems sorting out the transportation issues so I told him we’re only moving in by end of the month.
Well this Abdullah character, is, at his best, friendly and very accommodative. When I had not paid the moneys, he calls me daily to ask about my well being, and if I am interested in the house etc. Once I paid the money, he kept quiet. I asked him about the agreement. He said the landlord has yet to come back to him. I also asked him whether the landlord is agreeable to certain requests that I had asked for (Washing-machine pipe, curtain railings, amongst others) and he said Landlord too, has yet to reply to him.
So come last week of January, I told him that I absolutely MUST move in by end of the month because my current lease with my apartment ends then. He said OK, he’d check with this illusive landlord.
He always say he’d call me but he won’t (I should have known better….MEN!) *Waits for hate mails to come in*. At one point, I felt like a jilted lover, being left a-wondering to my lost love. I mean, where is he? How come he stopped calling?
Snif.
Anyway, I sent frantic smoke signals to him few days before and he came out with the same answer (by now, I think he taped his voice for convenience). He said he has to check with the landlord.
Then apparently, he “checked” with the landlord and said that they can’t let me move in then because it’s the CNY holidays and they hadn’t done works for the house.
WTF? It was a lucky thing that the ex-landlord was kind enough to allow me to extend my stay at the apartment, FOC.
My mom told me earlier that they are leaving by 4th evening, once the lorry is loaded with their stuff. I said OK. I hadn’t done much packing because I’m lazy like that. I managed to pack to boxes then and felt very proud. She called me on the 3rd to tell me that they are moving their things into the lorry NOW and they will be arriving by 4th very early in the morning. Like 7am early in the morning.
I am proud to say that I can now proudly vouch that I had managed to pack all my stuff in 23 hours (I slept an hour – I was too tired).
Oh, haven’t I told you? By 3rd, I still hadn’t managed to get Abdullah to tell me whether or not the Landlord has done the works – the house is bare with no pipes, no electricity, no lights, nothing. He kept on telling me that the landlord has NOT come back to him – they were supposed to meet, but landlord/contractor did not show up. I told him then, that the JB party would be coming up TODAY.
I frantically called him that evening – Yes, on the 3rd itself, because I like living on the edge, you know? ONLY TO FIND OUT HE HAS OFF-ed HIS MOBILE! In a few hours, my parents, cat, sister, sister’s Boyfriend and Uncle will be arriving in KL with a 40 feet lorry and I have no house to home my parents (and cat).
I am, in deep shit.
I later managed to get him and all he said was, since I have sent an earlier SMS to say that I wanted to change houses, he said he managed to find one for me in PUJ 2 but that it will only be afternoon where he’d get the keys.
All the while I was trying to be nice, and was acting as civil as I could even though by then, M. Bond thought I was being stupidly naïve all the while and I should have just lambasted him earlier on. I didn’t want to because I hadn’t gotten the house yet.
He said I CANNOT move in by tomorrow (4th) because, yes, you guessed it, the bleedin’ Landlord/Contractor has not done anything to it. And he chided me because I had sent an SMS earlier about the house change.
I told him that my specific SMS was “If it’s TOO difficult to get the landlord to do the house then we might as well get a new one”. He did NOT come back to me on this alternative, only telling me later, that night, at 10pm, that he had, in fact, looked for TWO hours (oh poor him, NOT) for an another house for me.
“Then why didn’t you call me? You had to wait for ME to call you!”
He also said that because I cancelled on the earlier date of 15th, the landlord decided to not want to install the lights and taps because they’re wary of it being stolen.
Like, huh? But I’ve already paid all the deposits and whatever the reason, the house should be ready for occupation whenever. ESPECIALLY after I had given them due notice.
I told him, now look, he is going to blame me (darn SMS) and I will forever blame him about this but fact of the matter is that I have a lorry on its way to KL full of our stuff – all 40 feet of them and they are arriving at 7am. What are you going to do about it?
Somewhere in the middle of our conversation (“argument”), he told me that the house is not locked. So I told him, I don’t care, I am bringing my stuff tomorrow and will move it to the house. I do NOT want the house at PUJ 2. I do NOT have the luxury of the time because the lorry was to dump the things at the house and go home.
I also said some other nasties but I can’t remember now.
Then come morn, the lorry came, we unloaded the boxes and the furniture and the black garbage bin bags. There were no electric so my dad had to stay in the car for the longest time. Abdullah only came during noon and when my mom psycho-ed him (“Janji orang Islam kena tepati tau!”) to agree to install plugs and taps and whatever else, he launched a smear campaign to my mother.
My Mother.
He said I was the one who told him last minute (I DID NOT!) and that I had earlier wanted to move by 15th but then cancelled last minute (I gave him ample notice!) and then told him to find another house (I did, but he did not REPLY whether or not he agreed to that proposition or otherwise UNTIL I called him at 10pm on the 3rd).
If I wasn’t so knackered then, I would have just stab him with the IKEA knife and shove him into one of the empty houses nearby.
How dare he!
Then a whole contingent, seemingly from the Kongsi Helang Hitam, arrived. They congregated underneath a tree nearby. Abdullah joined them. They were discussing for the longest time. Then, Abdullah introduced a orange-haired man to me – apparently, he is my landlord. He dismissed us quite abruptly and my requests for curtain railings and washing machine pipes went unheeded.
I was quite miffed.
He also warned that he did not want anything plastered on the wall – no paintings, nothing. I have to make good of the damaged wall if I as far as dare to even flick a nail into the walls.
K.
He unceremoniously dumped the house keys to me, gave his business card and told (warned?) us that he will be inspecting the house monthly and that he’d come to the house every month on the 5th to collect the rent (so much for Electronic Banking eh?).
I said OK and bid him farewell.
The next day, landlord and wife paid us a visit – they needed to give us essential items such as shower heads, taps, etc. The wife then asked my mom how I came into contact with Abdullah. My mother said she met through a colleague – who was also looking for a house and even told the wife that we thought he was legit, and that her daughter had paid ALL deposits by early January.
She was shocked. The wife told my mom that they had not known at ALL that someone was moving into their house until the Saturday itself. Abdullah had not informed them. In fact, Abdullah was not even the real estate agent that they engaged. They were actually thinking of calling the police on Saturday, lest they think we were breaking and entering (well, we were, actually). It was thanks to the wife (Thank you Auntie!), who has a soft spot for us Johoreans (she hailed from Segamat) and managed to coax the orange-haired husband to see us first.
And he was OK somewhat on seeing that we’re a family and not some nymphomaniacs wanting to change his house to a bachelorette pad where we’d have wild parties and orgies every day.
He has NOT received any deposits by Saturday too, hence explaining his abruptness earlier. No wonder he didn’t want to give us some curtain railings!
My dad suspected that the congregation that met under the tree was actually some kaki pukul for reinforcement in case we turn out to be some hooligans out to bully some poor owner into giving up his house.
I still want to stab Abdullah with an IKEA knife; not to murder you see… but slashes all around his stumpy being and then pour limau nipis juice and belerang on the wounds.
And I’m being kind. | | |
| I'm Baaaackkkk
Was tagged by Snots so I guess I *have* to do it lor.
1. Name one of the actor of the old days...you missed the most.
Only one? I thought Jins Shamsudin, Michael J. Fox, Ralph Macchio were quite dishy. I miss them all equally heh heh.
2. Name a cartoon of the old old days...
Oh God where do I start? Smurf (IT'S GARGAMELLLLL!!! RUN EVERYONEEE), Strawberry Shortcake, Jem, OMG I was sucha gurlygirl!
3. Name a singer/group of the old days...
No 3 and 4 similar lah. Depeche Mode, Scritti Politti, Police, Guns n Roses, Alice Cooper, U2, Pink Floyd, Bros! Toad the Wet Sprockett, Alice in Chains, Cure, Erasure, ABBA, Queen, Beatles, Madonna...
4. Band of the old days...
...Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, Belinda Carlisle, Prince, Belbifdivoe (SP?), Salt n Peppa, T'Pau, Gloria Estefan, Zaiton Sameon, Search, Wings, Ekamatra, XPDC, Freedom, Rick Astley, James Ingram, Barry White, Tears for Fears, Johnny Hates Jazz, George Michael, Wham!
...and how can I forget this? New Kids On the Block!
5. TV Series of the old days....
Family Ties (Michael J Fox as Alex), Growing Pains, The A Team, Hawaiian 5-0, Mission Impossible, Knight Rider, Punky Brewster, Diffrent Strokes, Mr Belvedere, ALF, Roseanne, Facts of Life, The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, Who's the Boss, MORK AND MINDY (Nanoo Nanoo), Liddle Haus on Ze Prairie, Cheers, Fraggle Rock (Used to act it in class too - dont ask how we did it), Perfect Strangers, that Medicine Woman drama thingy, Beverly Hills 90210,
6. Actress of Old Days that you miss the most.
Sally Fields and Jane Seymour
7. Fashion of Old Days that you miss the most.
Big hair, man, big hair *sighs*
8. Movie of old days
Karate Kid I and II (Ralph was hot!), Back to the Future I (heh heh), Police Academy series and Airplane (i think that's what it's called).
9 Music Video of old days
Er, for some reason, I can only remember Michael Jackson's Thriller now, scary shit, that. And OH OH OH OH "Who's that Girl". The dancer - Chris Finch - a guy in my agama class looked soooo like him. He was my first crush . OK now it's coming out slowly, Amy Grant's "Baby, Baby", Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer" and "You Give Love a Bad Name", Depeche Mode "Master and Servant", La Bamba, Holiday, Swing out Sister (Can't remember the name of the song, damn), Where the St has no name video clip was so cool! (Live perf on top of roof), Whitney's I wanna Dance with Somebody,
10. Coolest song of the old days
SWEET CHILD O MINE! Somebody, Where the Street Has No Name, With or Without You, When Will I Be Famous, Hangin' Tough (heh heh), Poison, Friday I'm in Love, Cecilia, Another Brick in the Wall (betul ke ni?), I Just Died in Your Arms, Alone, China in Your Hands, KAMELIAAAA, Isabella, Taman Rashidah Utama, Mimpi Syakila, Bisa dan lain lain.
Feel free to tag if you wanna: Bloodrun, Dinkers69, Samsonite67482, Ratujim/Ratu yang mana-mana aku tak kesah, Ratugym (let's hear the 80s now), FunnyBuns annnnnd Mamalong (to get her mind off other things like food  )
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| The House of Ashburn
Dengan ini gue ingin ucapin jutaan ampun dan maaf lahir (kok batin mungkin ada tapi gimana yach?) buat semua pembaca blog ini. Gue ingin mohon maaf jika yach, ada ucapan gue, sikep gue, postingan gue telah secara disadari atau nggak nyinggung perasaan dan terdetik sampe terusik hati loe-loe semua. Seharusnya, bulan mulia ini emangnya masa untuk menilai diri dan jiwa dan perlu diambil iktibar kok.
Gue pulang mudik hari Ahad kelak, jadik emangnya gue nggak posting di blog ini selama 2 minggu karena gue nggak ada kompi di mudik gue. Peringatan kepada loe semua, bagi yang membawa mobil, harapnya loe udah hantarin mobil untuk diservis. Kok kalo mobil loe nggak ngetop, kok pak polisi menggempurin loe. Mau nggak? Peringatan jua buat gue, karena gue belum hantarin mobil gue untuk di ketuk – lampu di depan mobil gue perlu diganti kok.
Kelak jua, kalo loe ngadap rejeki Syawal ini, loe nggak lupain diri deh! Coba teringat deh, untuk tidak makan begitu banyak banget! Kelak loe bisa lelah, capek, terasa lemak di tekak loe.
So, ya deh, saling bermaafan yuk, Selamat menyambut Idul Fitri, Mohon Maaf Lahir dan Batin, Semoga loe-loe semua memaafkan gue dong!
Liburan Bahagia kepada kalian! | | |
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