Eh?
I said, no thanks, on the account that he *IS* in Seremban and I can’t be pretty much arsed to spend RM50 (toll + petrol – but ack, petrol might be more eh?) to buy something that’ll cost me less than RM10.
But no, no, he said. These sanitary pads are not like the ones you buy at pharmacies (or kedai runcit Mak Jah).
They have herbs inside apparently and it’ll help erm, well clear up for lack of better words, the nasty bits in erm, your bits. The herbs, fodder of all magical powers for the world yonder can suck out “germs and bacteria”*colonising (they SAID colonising) in our pee-pee – hence leaving our ahem, “crown”** itchy-free and not smelly like a fish section at Pasar Borong Selayang.
I Googled and found out that these pads are indeed, very, very special.
So apparently them wonder-Pads will cure you of these:
Period pain, thrush, yellow discharge, white ones, exert “wind” from erm within, stabilised period cycle, itchiness, joint pains during menses, infection to the womb and pee-hole, eliminate smell, gets rids of blood clots in uterus.
Actually there’s a lot more than this, but I seriously cannot be arsed to translate each of them and typing it here.
But seriously, herbs inside your pads? And them sucking (the toxins) from your insides? Doesn’t that seem scary? It’s also quite minty apparently, so you’ll feel as if you have a personal air-conditioner down there to, ahm, keep it fresh?
Apparently, he continued, it very good because with only RM20, you won’t even need a feminine wash anymore!
And you can even wear it on your head to get rid of the pong when you wear helmets (maybe the Company can buy this in bulk to help out with our mat despatch?) Wear it (it didn’t suggest where though) on a long journey and l0 and behold! You won’t get car sick! Put it in your shoe and WUNDERBAR! Your feet will no longer stink like it’s been in an un-cleaned IWK tank for the past week. Put it on your nose and you’ll get ride of that annoying stuffy nose! And it can even cure your womb and breasts cancers!
Oh My God, this isn’t a Wonder Pad! This is a Miracle Product!
This forum also gave testimony from women who had used it. Due to being pressed for time, I could only gleaned through it quickly but someone claimed that she is now pregnant! (And to think that I thought we need a man for me to go there –now I can just rely on a sanitary pad! What was *I* thinking, man??)
So yeah, apparently, a lot of people bought it and have started to wear it. They all agree that it is working very, very well for them because they are farting a lot nowadays (to extract winds remember?) All that farts carrying bad toxins and such like.
Guys can also wear it – to help out with their haemorrhoid problems – but that would be weird would it?
Anyway, looking at its potential (it even won some award at some foreign country), I think we have just managed to solve a lot of the country’s problems:
* Shortage of Doctors – most ailments can be cured by just slapping the Miracle Pad onto the desired ailing body parts; little or no supervision by doctors for this I’m sure.
*Shortage of hospitals – we can convert all new hospitals (especially the one in JB with the fungi) to other things: Museums (Hospital and First Aid Museums?), Hotels? Shopping Mall? Oh, the possibilities are endless, man!
*Ailing Geriatrics – they wouldn’t need expensive specialists to help them with their hip, knee and back problems. Just use the miracle Pads!
*Economy – higher purchasing power. Consumers, having managed to save other costs such as high medical bills, will channel money elsewhere. To petrol perhaps. And shopping malls (no more joint pain whilst walking from one end of Mid Valley to the other).
*A generally happier, well-balanced, FRAGRANT society.
I think there’s potential in this. Perhaps I should get Babe to bring it up to her boss for the next Cabinet meeting?
This leads to another story retold by a dear friend:
He was a wee boy and was asked, along with his cousin, by his auntie (or was it his neighbour?) to buy her a box of Sanita***. So off they went to the nearest kedai runcit, and being young and not knowing any better, shouted on top of their lungs their intended purchase.
The grocer wrapped the box discreetly (but in that size? Who couldn’t guess it?) with newspaper and off they went jauntily back to their house.
Except that it was a super hot day and they thought that hey maybe we need something to cool us down.
So they tore open the box. They fished two sanitary pads from the box – one for each of them.
You must remember that this was in the 1970’s where the pads are not winged and definitely do not have the adhesive strips at the back of it. All it had were two cotton rings at the end to latch it to a belt.
EUREKA!
My friend and his cousin, being geniuses that they are, managed to find a smart way to cool themselves down.
One hooked the rings to his ears and wear it on the forehead and the other put it on his mouth – like a surgeon or dentist.
They walked around their kampong like that until their auntie/neighbour spotted them and screamed at them to get back in the house RIGHT THIS INSTANT.
* this was what I gathered from a public forum.
** Ibid
*** THE sanitary pad of the 70’s apparently.
